


Saw It In Your Eyes

by taggiecb



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Canada, Coming Out, Day At The Beach, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication, Roommates, Sexual Identity, Sexuality Crisis, Tattoo Artist Harry Styles, Tattoos, maratimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 13:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14106042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taggiecb/pseuds/taggiecb
Summary: Harry Styles counts himself extremely lucky that he has landed such a great roommate. It doesn’t bother him at all that his new roommate is gay. In fact, they get along so well that they have formed an extremely close friendship that takes up pretty much all his free time. When Louis starts bringing a new guy home with him, Harry is surprised by how much it bothers him. Is he not as okay as he thought he was with Louis’ sexuality?Or the one where Harry is an oblivious walnut.





	Saw It In Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I want to first and foremost thank the original oblivious walnut who posted his story on Reddit and inspired this fic. I think you are wonderful, and brave, and I hope that everything is going well for you. 
> 
> Second, I would like to thank Anitra as always my rock, and biggest cheerleader. Much love. xoxo. She wrote the summary because she is awesome and I am not.

Harry sits in the small cafe that is a very convenient two blocks from his apartment on Champlain Avenue. This cafe has got him through a lot of early morning cups of coffee and late night crying over life gone bad. It’s a comforting place for him, so it was the first place he thought of when his potential new roommate requested a public place to interview. He drums his fingers on the table. The rhythm distracts him from being nervous to meet someone that he may soon be sharing a toilet with. It’s a funny thing, he thinks. One day someone is a stranger; the next, your toothbrushes are mere inches apart. But Harry’s old roommate, Liam, just moved out to be with his girlfriend, and he desperately needs someone to fill his spot before next month’s rent comes up. So he puts his nerves aside and practices his best friendly smile.

“Are you alright?” A raspy voice asks. He shoots a look up from his phone camera to see a man standing on the other side of his table. The man looks partly confused, partly amused as Harry can feel himself blush a deep shake of red. 

“Yes, fine. Just….checking for something in my teeth. He stands up and takes the man’s hand before he remembers to ask. “Are you Lewis?” 

“Louis, yes. Are you Harry?” He asks, clearly already knowing the answer. 

“Yeah, do you want a coffee? Or a brownie?” Harry gestures towards the counter that looks more like a bakery this time of day once the breakfast pastries are all but cleared out. 

“No, I’m fine thanks. I don’t want to leave a bad impression, but I need to get back to work as soon as we are done. I was hoping to get right to it.” Louis sits down opposite Harry and folds his hands together. 

“Oh, yes of course, that’s great. Dedicated worker, check a box for the positive.” Harry makes a check in the air, and Louis smiles a small smile. Harry feels like he doesn’t know what he is doing with his hands. “Right, ok so It is a two bedroom apartment, we would share all of the living and eating spaces. Equally, of course. It’s second floor, but it’s a six floor building, so there is an elevator if you need or want it. Laundry in the building, and we only get one parking space per apartment, but I don’t drive, so it’s free to use if you have a car. Rent is a thousand dollars, so we will be splitting it 50/50.” He smiles at Louis, knowing that Louis knows this already. It’s all in the ad that he posted on Kijiji. 

“Is it ok if we talk about some personal stuff?” Louis asks. 

“Sure, of course.” Harry nods enthusiastically. “I am very tidy, but I’m not picky, if that makes sense. My last roommate was as well, so it kind of worked out for us. I love to cook. I’m a tattoo artist. I work not far from here actually. It’s a very tiny shop. I am single, but I do date, so I prefer having girls in every once in a while, hopefully that’s alright. And, I can’t think of anything else to say.” He peters out as he runs out breath from the long run on sentence that he just spewed. He looks at Louis expectantly who is nodding.

“Ok, well I am not overly tidy, but I do my part. I don’t mind picking up after myself. I don’t cook at all, so hopefully you weren’t looking for a 50/50 dinner situation. That is very cool that you are a tattoo artist. I wish I was that talented. I’m a social media manager for a beer company.” He waves it off flippantly and peers down at the very few small tattoos that are peeking out from the cuff of Harry’s jacket sleeve. Harry pulls the cuff back as far as he can on his most tattooed arm, and Louis leans in automatically to admire them. 

“That’s sick. I have a few myself. Where do you work?” Louis asks. 

“The shop is called Okey Pokey,” Harry replies, and Louis barks out a laugh that has a few people looking in their direction. 

“That is horrible.” He laughs loudly and carefree. 

“Horribly clever,” Harry says, trying to stifle his own giggle.  They softly laugh together for a moment until Louis sobers considerably. 

“The biggest, most important aspect about me that I want to get out of the way is that I am gay.” Louis looks Harry straight in the eye. Harry feels like he is pinned to his chair by the stare. “I need to know where you stand on that if I can live with you.” 

Harry feels like his next words need to be chosen carefully. He likes Louis so far and he really would like to walk away from this knowing that he has a new roommate. He takes a deep breath and maintains eye contact. “I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell me. I’m sorry that you have to live in a world where you have to even take this into consideration. I have no issues with you, or anyone else’s sexuality, and feel that it is their own business to keep it to themselves or be out, just like I have that right with my sexuality.” He closes his mouth again and waits for his response. 

Louis nods and then smiles. “Thank you. I think that I would like to see the apartment, if that’s alright.” 

“Alright!” Harry stands, practically shoving Louis through the door of the cafe and towards the building.

 

The first few weeks aren’t too bad. Harry had never lived with someone that he didn’t know, but Louis told him that he has before and had made a point to organize some activities for them to do together. 

“You don’t have to be friends with your roommates, but it definitely helps,” he had said the day he moved in. So they found the things that they had in common, had a bunch of get to know you conversations, and one night drank a little to much and spilled their guts about things that they really shouldn’t be telling anyone. They also found out that they had a few mutual friends and more than a few common interests. 

Really, aside from walking in on Louis peeing one morning, and Louis calling him Harold by accident (the first time was accident, Harry is suspicious that the rest of the times are to get a rise from him), everything is going really well. 

 

“H! I’m going to The Pumphouse with Niall!” Louis calls through the apartment. Harry wanders in from his room to see Louis dressed in his going out clothes. A trail of aftershave follows him through the kitchen as he does laps picking up his wallet and shoes and a lighter from the junk drawer. 

“Sounds like a good time.” Harry smiles watching Louis practically go in circles looking for his phone that is practically right in front of him. 

“Wanna come?” Louis pauses his pacing long enough to look at him. “Niall won’t be here for a few minutes. We can wait for you.” 

“Nah, I have to work in the morning. I think I will order a pizza and stay home.” Harry involuntarily yawns even though it’s barely nine pm. Louis just nods and starts to pull on his shoes. 

“Pretty please save me a slice?” He gives a fake, but somehow still effective smile that Harry has noticed has gotten him his way with Harry on more than one occasion. 

“Yeah, of course.” He pauses for a minute as Louis is about to open the door and leave. “Louis, can you just...text if you aren’t coming home? I know I’m not your mom, but I will worry anyway.” Louis looks at him for a moment, not saying anything before he gives a short nod, and a genuine smile this time. 

“Yeah, no problem,” he says before he’s off. Harry notices that the apartment sounds unnaturally quiet when Louis isn’t in it. He turns on the tv and calls for a delivery.

 

Harry is very aware that his work hours are not what one would call regular. He nods and takes it when people make fun of him for having to get up for work at noon. He doesn’t roll his eyes when they tell him that their day is half over by the time he rolls out of bed. It is what it is. People don’t want tattoos at eight am. He rarely sees a customer before two pm as it is, but his job is one that requires a great deal of concentration and creativity. It takes a lot out of him some days, so he doesn’t have an ounce of guilt for dragging himself out of bed at eleven am to find a cup of coffee and a slice of toast before he has to go in to work for the day. 

He shuffles his way to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of creamer (Louis has opened his eyes to the beauty of flavoured coffee) and just closes it when he hears a voice behind him 

“Shit!” The man says, and it makes Harry jump. 

“Shit,” he says a little quieter. “He told me not to wake up his roommate.” 

“Don’t worry about it, didn’t wake me up,” Harry replies, staring at the strange man who is holding a pair of shoes. He’s tall with dark hair that definitely could use a comb. His plaid shirt is haphazardly buttoned, and he looks a little worse for wear all around. 

“Sorry. I was supposed to leave before you saw me.” He is still whispering loudly. 

“Why?” Harry kind of chuckles, turning on the electric kettle. “I wasn’t under the impression that he is a virgin.” 

“I don’t know, respect the sanctity of the shared space I guess,” the man begins to talk in a more conversational tone. Harry nods, considering if he ever snuck a girl around out of respect for Liam, or if Liam has ever done it for him. 

“Want a cup of coffee?” He asks the stranger instead

“He doesn’t.” Suddenly Louis is standing behind the guy, pushing him towards the door. The guy looks a bit surprised, but goes willingly. He stops at the door to lean in to kiss Louis, but Louis ducks out of his way, and gives him a friendly handshake instead. The guy looks a bit put out, but smiles and waves at Harry. 

“Harsh,” Harry says when the door is once again shut. Louis just rolls his eyes and grabs a mug from the cupboard. 

“Don’t get attached. He’s from out of town. On a ‘business trip;” Louis air quotes. 

“What is a ‘business trip’”? Harry mimics him.

Louis sighs and massages his scalp with his fingertips. “A guy that goes out of town so that he can have….relations with other guys where no one knows him.”  

“Really. That is a thing?” Harry asks, filling their cups. 

“It is a thing, Not a bad setup if you are just looking for a one night thing. Which I was.” Louis drinks the coffee so fast that Harry can feel second hand burns on his tongue. 

“No romance for you then?” Harry teases. Louis just shrugs. 

“When the time is right. Not right now,” he replies and takes his coffee back to his room. That is the last that Harry sees him before he goes to work for the day. 

 

Harry pushes his chair back, and cracks his neck as his latest client walks out the door. He sighs heavily and tips his head back. His business partner, Zayn wanders into Harry’s office and lays on his back on the table, crossing his ankles and looking at the ceiling. 

“Do you have anyone else on the schedule?” Zayn asks while still looking at the ceiling. 

“No, last one,” Harry replies, returning himself to a sitting position and pulling the black gloves from his hands. 

“Long day.” Zayn stretches and sits up again. “Why don’t you head out.” 

“Nah, I can hang out,” Harry says. “It’s only about an hour. I’m sure I’ve got some paperwork to finish. 

“Avoiding the new roommate?” Zayn asks. 

“Louis? No! Not at all. He’s great. You should meet him actually, you two would get along great.”

“Oh yeah?” Zayn looks completely uninterested. “Why is that?” 

“I don’t know. He’s funny, sarcastic, smokes like a train, watches superhero movies. You’re basically the same person,” Harry teases. 

Zayn snorts. “Does he like tattoos?” 

Zayn’s ultimate guide to human interaction starts with tattoos. 

“Yeah, he told me he had a few when we met, but he’s actually quite tatted up. I don’t know what he constitutes as a lot.” 

“Hm.” Zayn’s interest spikes slightly. “Doesn’t sound awful.” 

“He isn’t! You should meet him.” 

“Maybe. I’m going out with Shelly tonight. Let me know next week, and we will get a beer or something.” Zayn hops off the table and heads for the door. 

“Will do,” Harry replies, automatically going for the disinfectant bottle wetting down the table. 

“Hey maybe we can double with you and Jenna sometime,” he says. Harry’s nose crinkles involuntarily. 

“Jenna and I aren’t a thing. I have told you this,” he says, avoiding eye contact with Zayn. 

“I know, just thought maybe you changed your mind,” Zayn sighs. He’s like a broken record when it comes to Harry’s love life. 

Harry likes Jenna, but they are friends. Friends that sometimes get each other off. It’s not a big deal. It’s all that Harry is interested in right now.

“Louis does casual, too. I am not a freak you know,” he replies. 

“Oh, Louis does, does he?” Zayn mocks  Harry’s tone causing Harry to throw a wad of paper towel at him before Zayn finally leaves him in peace. 

It takes actual months before Harry can convince Zayn to meet his new friends. Louis and Niall have formed a quickly tight knit group with him and Liam, and it seems that more often than not they are doing things as a group. It’s a balmy mid summer night when the tourists are walking the boardwalk and hopping from bar to bar that they finally manage to drag the introvert out of his den. They all land at a fairly quiet pub just a short distance from the college. They find a table that will fit the group while Louis does a drink round. 

Shelly perches on Zayn’s lap while her long legs spill from the edge of the booth. “Where’s Jenna tonight?” She asks Harry who looks at Zayn suspiciously. Zayn just shrugs. 

“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been talking to her in…” Harry stops, trying to remember the last time he  _ has _ actually heard from her. 

“Almost two months,” Shelly finishes the sentence. “She told me that you have basically ghosted her since your new roommate moved in. She was starting to think that she did something to piss the guy off.” She gives the crowd a look that suggests that they are going to back her up. “Pretty shitty that you would take his side over her’s.” 

“That is not even the least of what happened. I have been busy.” Harry racks his brain trying to think how he has been so busy lately. Everything kind of comes back to Louis. They have been having a really good time getting to know one another.

“Busy.” Shelly just gives him a look before she stands up unceremoniously. “I need the lady’s room. Zayn, get me some fries?” She walks away before Zayn has a chance to reply.

“What the hell was that?” Harry asks as soon as Shelly is out of hearing range. 

“Sorry man, her and Jenna have been talking nonstop. Jenna is convinced that you are out with someone else. Shelly had to come and see for herself I guess.” Zayn shrugs and tries to take a sip of his beer only to remember that it’s empty. He looks towards where Louis is chatting up the bartender and wrinkles his nose. “Is Louis going to stop flirting long enough to bring our drinks?” 

“He is not flirting,” Harry automatically says, watching Louis leaning over the bar to say something to the bartender. They both laugh loudly as Louis leans back to his own side. “And why wouldn’t Jenna just call and ask if I’m with someone?” 

“I don’t know man. I am not going to pretend to understand either of those two.” Zayn shakes his head. “Finally,” he says when Louis is suddenly hovering over them. He pulls a beer off the tray that Louis is holding, almost causing Louis to tip it. Harry reaches out and grabs it, allowing him to slide into the booth beside Harry.

“Miss me?” Louis teases as everyone grabs their drinks. 

“Definitely.” Harry smirks at him, and Louis pinches his nipple in retaliation. 

“I hope you didn’t give that guy a tip,” Zayn grumbles. “He’s slow as fuck.”

“A tip, maybe not. My number, most definitely.” Louis smiles mischievously as he looks back at the bar. The guy is already staring back and smiling. 

“That guy? Really?” Harry studies him, wishing he knew what attracted Louis to the guys that he meets. This guy doesn’t seem to have anything special. He’s average height. His hair is buzzed so close to his scalp that he might as well have shaved it. He has a wide grin and an air of confidence that Harry can see from where he is sitting. Seems like a bit of creep if anyone is asking him. Which they are apparently not.

“We can’t all be as handsome as you, H.” Louis leans his head on Harry’s shoulder, giving him exaggerated moon eyes. Harry nods in agreement. 

“Don’t you forget it,” he replies causing Louis to laugh. He tips his beer towards Louis’ beer, giving him a silent cheer for a good night ahead.

 

“So was I right?” Harry asks the next day as they prepare the shop for customers. 

“Right about what?” Zayn asks in reply. 

“Louis,” Harry says, shaking his head. “He’s great isn’t he?” 

“Hard to know,” Zayn replies, scratching the underside of his jaw.

“How is it hard? We spent the whole night with him.” Harry gives Zayn a look. He knows that Zayn can be standoffish at times, but they all had a great time together. 

“You spent the whole night with him. He barely talked to the rest of us.” Zayn raises an eyebrow at Harry. Harry’s first instinct is to object, but now that he thinks back, they did spend a lot of time in each other’s company. 

“It’s fine,” Zayn continues, cutting off Harry’s thoughts. “I’m sure he’s great. You guys just have some weird bond. I think he likes you.” 

“Now wait a minute, we can’t assume that because he’s gay he has a thing for all guys,” Harry protests. He’s starting to feel quite defensive in what was meant to be small talk. 

“Whatever you say, bud.” Zayn shrugs and lets the conversation go. Harry on the other hand feels it take root in the pit of his stomach, not quite ready to be tossed aside. 

 

“Louis, hurry up! We are going to be late!” Harry yells from the door in the kitchen. He has been standing there for nearly fifteen minutes, surrounded by various bags and boxes. 

“You can’t be late for the beach,” Louis says, coming out of his room looking fresh and breezy in his swim shorts and a light button down shirt that is only buttoned once in the middle. 

“You can if you want to get a good spot before all of the teenagers crawl out of bed and take up the entire beach,” Harry reasons. 

Louis smiles and puts his hand gently on Harry’s cheek. “Aw, don’t pout love. We will get a good spot.” 

Harry is quite sure that isn’t true, but somehow Louis saying it eases the anxiety just a bit. 

“I just rarely get a weekend day off, and I want to make the most of it.” He is still pouting, he is aware. 

“And we will. The best day,” Louis says, picking up a couple of the bags full of supplies. “Just the two of us.” 

Harry picks up the rest of their gear and nods, feeling quite tickled that he gets a day at the beach with Louis. He couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday.

 

Harry will concede that Louis was at least somewhat right. They do find a good place to settle once they get there, and while the beach is semi occupied, the largest of the inevitable crowds hasn’t arrived yet. Once they are all set up and happy with their arrangements (moreso Harry, Louis doesn’t seem to care if his towel and snacks get covered in sand), they relax for a moment just taking in the cool breeze coming off the water as the sun starts to beat down on them more and more heavily.

“This was a good idea,” Louis says. He looks like he is half asleep already. Harry can’t see his eyes behind the oversized aviators on his face, but his body is leaned back and relaxed. Harry leans back beside him.

“It was. I am glad I thought of it.” He grins at Louis who smiles back. 

“How humble of you,” Louis teases him. He sighs again, turning his face to the sky. “So what is the plan now that we are here?” He asks. He rolls towards Harry and props his cheek on his hand. He looks to Harry like he is waiting for someone to come and drop grapes into his waiting mouth. 

“How many options do we have on a beach? Sun, water, food, drinks.” Harry spreads his hand out. “What more could a person want?” 

“Not looking for a someone to spend your time with?” Louis lifts his glasses so that Harry can fully appreciate the exaggerated eyebrows wiggle. 

“Well…” Harry frowns briefly. “I’m not. I was just hoping to hang out with you.” 

Louis watches him for a second, face impassive before he puts his glasses down again and shrugs. 

“Sounds good to me.” And Louis rolls back onto his back. “Sun, sand, food, and Louis.” 

It causes Harry to giggle involuntarily, but he is also left with a feeling of unease. He isn’t quite sure why. 

 

“Harry, Harrrryyyyy.” Harry is awoken by Louis singing his voice quietly. They are still on the beach, and the sun is still high in the sky. He looks over to Louis crouching over him with a bottle of cold water in one hand and a bottle of sunscreen in the other. 

“What’s up, Lou?” He stretches. He couldn’t have been asleep for that long, but he feels like he has been out for hours. 

“You are going to burn if you don’t put on some sunscreen. I don’t really need you to get sunstroke on me.” Louis shakes the bottle in his hand at him. 

Harry groans, and reaches for it with heavy limbs. 

“Your worry about me needs better timing,” he grumbles as he slathers the cold cream on his chest and arms. “I thought you were going to have a nap.” 

“I am going to have a nap, as soon as I know that we won’t burn to a crisp,” Louis replies, taking the bottle back. Harry waits for Louis to get out of the way of the sun, but he stays crouched, looking at him expectantly. 

“Roll over,” Louis says. Harry’s eyebrows shoot up involuntarily. 

“Pardon?” 

“I want to do your back. Then you can do me,” Louis says causing Harry to cough. “Oh grow up Harry, it’s just sunscreen.” 

Louis rolls his eyes, but there is definitely a smile on his face. Harry rolls over, not able to contain the childish giggle that escapes him.

He braces himself for the cream to hit his back, but for a second nothing happens. He turns his head to see Louis in the exact same spot he started in, just looking at Harry, motionless. It makes Harry want to squirm a little, so he clears his throat and seems to snap Louis out of whatever trance he was in. 

“Sorry,” Louis says under his breath, but there is still a stain of red on his cheeks. Harry doesn’t think it’s from the sun. 

“It’s alright,” Harry replies gently, turning his head back to face the ground. Louis swipes a few handfuls of sunscreen on his back, taking much less care than when he did the first time before they left in the morning. 

“Ok, done,” he says, and Louis is a good three feet away by the time Harry rolls over again, reaching for the bottle. “You don’t have to,” Louis automatically says, sitting back on his towel. 

“Don’t be silly,” Harry shakes his head, smiling at Louis. Louis doesn’t look quite convinced, Harry makes a motion for him to turn around. Louis reluctantly complies. “I mean, you’re not the first person to admire my ass,” Harry says, rubbing a handful of the cream on Louis’ shoulders. 

Louis snorts quietly. 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” he says, but Harry can feel the tension start to loosen under his fingers. 

“I have a great ass,” Harry replies, sounding indignant. 

“You call that an ass?” Louis says, sounding more bold. “Please. Your back runs clean down to your thighs.” 

Harry pokes him in the ribs causing Louis to squawk. 

“Say what you want. We all know the truth. You’re envious,” Harry quips, knowing full well that it’s a lie. Anyone with eyes can see who is more well endowed in the backside. Harry expects a quick comeback like how they normally go back and forth. It’s one of the best things about Louis, how witty he is. 

“Maybe, yeah,” is all Louis says though, catching Harry off guard. 

As soon as Harry is done, Louis jumps up. “I’m going to go to the canteen and see if they have ice cream. Do you want anything?” He is overly chipper and practically bouncing on his toes. 

“No, I’m just going to snooze I think.” Harry smiles tentatively. 

Louis just nods and walks off. Harry sighs and lays back down, willing sleep to come to him again.

 

The sun is starting to sink when they finally give up and head home. He is grateful for the day out, but he is exhausted from the fresh air and sun. Not to mention the food that they had managed to pack in throughout the day. 

“All I want to do is shower, put on a clean pair of shorts, and binge watch Forged in Fire,” he says to Louis, who is navigating an off ramp towards their apartment. He nods in agreeance.

“That sun really sucks the energy out of a person,” Louis says. 

“I don’t ever want to move again,” Harry groans as Louis pulls his car into their parking spot. “Carry me upstairs?” He pouts at Louis who is already getting out of the car and popping the trunk. 

“Not a chance,” he calls out. Harry is glad to see the good natured teasing is back in full force. 

“Fine, but I’ll remember this,” he says, grabbing a few bags from Louis’ hands. They are significantly lighter now, thankfully. Louis just pushes him towards the door to the building. 

After a quick shower he collapses on the couch where Louis is already zoned into the television. He sighs as he leans back, contented. He can already feel his eyes dragging closed with the combination of the sounds of the tv and Louis’ steady breaths beside him. He happily lets his eyes fall shut, and his hands clasp loosely over his chest when he is jolted back upward by a loud buzzing. 

Louis grabs his vibrating phone from the coffee table and shoots a look of apology towards Harry before he answers. 

“Hey, what’s up?” He says into the phone. Harry closes his eyes again, listening to Louis stand up and walk to the kitchen. He is just about out of hearing range when he hears him say “Yeah, tonight is fine.” 

He opens his eyes again to see Louis walking back into the living room, but instead of sitting back down in his previous place, he walks past the couch and towards his room. 

Harry doesn’t feel so tired anymore, so he is flipping through the channels mindlessly when Louis comes back into the room a few minutes later. He is fully dressed in a nice button down shirt and fitted black jeans. His hair is styled, and he is reaching into the closet for his black leather jacket. Harry just watches him pull it on when Louis stops to look at him. 

“Going out?” Harry asks. It’s meant to be a flippant question, but it definitely doesn’t sound like that coming from his mouth. 

“Yeah, Keith is taking me to Gusto,” Louis replies, not sounding casual either. 

“Sounds nice,” Harry replies and turns back to watch tv. He can’t shake the tension he feels in his chest. He focuses on the tv, but he can still feel Louis standing there. He doesn’t know if Louis is looking at him or not, but he isn’t sure what he wants Harry to say. 

“Are you staying in?” Louis asks after a minute. Harry turns around again. Louis is still in the same place, but his arms are crossed over his chest. He looks small and uncertain. 

“You don’t need to babysit me, Lou. I can spend an evening alone. Have fun, see you tomorrow probably.” Harry gives a reassuring smile. Louis smiles back but doesn’t respond, just nods and walks out the door. 

Maybe he is lonely. Maybe he isn’t being fair to Louis. Harry could go out just as easily. He could probably find someone to have a nice dinner with. It’s not Louis’ fault that he didn’t make plans, he thinks to himself. He sighs, telling himself that he needs to stop being so clingy with his friends. 

 

Harry looks at the small daily calendar on their kitchen counter and realises that they are officially halfway through September. Halfway through September means that business will definitely be slowing down soon. Summer is a big boost, and then kids coming into town for school wanting to commemorate a new start or maybe remember something from summer, means that they are nonstop for the first few weeks of the school year. They will have a quiet few months now until after Christmas when people suddenly decide to start spending their gift money. Some years they even allow the shop to be shut down for an extra day, and after the last month, Harry doesn’t much mind the idea of that.

He yawns and stretches again while he waits for the kettle to boil and wonders idly if he should save some hot water for Louis. He looks towards the door to see if he’s still home and sees his shoes along with another familiar looking pair beside them. Keith has slept over again. He sighs and puts the mug away that he had gotten out for Louis. 

“Do I have to be constantly reminded that he sleeps  with men?” He mumbles to himself before he freezes in his spot. His entire throat goes dry as he realised the words that came from his own mouth. 

How could he think that? Where in the dark recesses of his brain did disdain for Louis sleeping with men come from? He wills himself to picture Louis being in a relationship with a man. With Keith, who he had only met twice. His stomach rolls again and his face scrunches in a knot. God, this isn’t him. This isn’t who he is. 

He shakes himself from the inside and gives himself a mental slap across the face. He is clearly not himself. Maybe it’s stress, maybe he needs to get out of the house more. He pours his coffee and picks up his phone. He googles pictures of a pride parade in Toronto the year before. He smiles as he looks at pictures and videos of men and women celebrating and holding one another in solidarity. He smiles as he pictures Louis celebrating something like pride. He doesn’t feel that coil of dislike for anything. He sighs as he sips his coffee. It wasn’t right what he thought, but maybe it was just a moment of frustration. Maybe it wasn’t about Louis at all. He wonders if he is jealous that Louis has found someone to spend the night with and he hasn’t. He groans internally at the idea that he needs a relationship. He vows to give Jenna a call at the end of the day. 

 

Harry’s resolution to get himself out more is immediately deterred by a very short phone call to Jenna. Apparently she has had enough of waiting for him to realise how great she is and has moved on with someone else. Harry isn’t going to deny that hearing those words stung a bit, but they also make him even more determined to at least try to find a match. 

He hates even the idea that he is actively trying to create a relationship just for the sake of having one.  It’s not that he is lonely or desperate. He doesn’t know what he is if he is being honest with himself. He just knows that he needs a change, and this is as good of a place to start as any. 

“You’re looking fancy,” Louis says from the couch when Harry walks into the living room. He stands in from of Lous, fiddling with his shirt. “Hot date?” 

Harry just sighs. He has a date. He’s not that excited about it. Primarily because he doesn’t know how he feels about Zayn’s girlfriend setting him up, but he agreed, so what can he do. “Mhm,” he says to Louis. 

Louis just snorts. 

“Wow, calm down. I’ve never seen you so hot and bothered,” Louis says with his usual dose of sarcasm. Harry really isn’t in the mood though and just walks away. He can hear Louis sigh behind him, and get up from the couch. “Come on, I was just taking the piss,” Louis says, following him into the kitchen. 

“Yeah, it’s fine. Doesn’t matter,” he mumbles, pulling his shoes on. “See you tonight, unless you’re going out.” He straightens back to his full height only to have Louis stand face to face with him. He looks concerned, and it pisses Harry off for reasons that he can’t explain. 

“I’ll be home,” he says, staring into Harry’s eyes. “Do you need a backup in case it goes bad?” 

“No, it’s fine. We are just going for dinner. Surely I can make it through dinner without you,” Harry says. It’s meant to be a joke, but neither of them laugh. Louis smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“If you’re sure, you know where to find me,” Louis says, He raises his hand, reaching out slightly, but he stops and puts it down again. He smiles again at Harry and nods before he goes back to his television. Harry feels that he could use a hug, but he just turns and walks out the door. 

 

The evening goes just about how Harry expects, which is unfortunate since he expected nothing but problems. He guesses that Elise is a nice person. There is nothing at all wrong with her. She is petite and has long brown hair that lays over her shoulder in smooth loose curls. She has an easy laugh and an open and friendly sense of humour. She smiles a lot and talks to everyone they encounter with ease, but he just doesn’t care. There is not one word that comes from her mouth that holds any interest to him at all. There isn’t one laugh or smile or look that causes him to look again. And at the end of dinner she was hinting not at all subtly about going back to her place for a drink, but he couldn’t get away from her quickly enough. He could feel the disappointment in her eyes pierce his soul because she wasn’t the only one disappointed in him. He was disappointed in himself. 

He gets a cab home because he isn’t in the mood to walk and finds himself at his own apartment door less than three hours after he left. He pushes the door open and drops his keys on the counter. He looks towards the sound of the television to tell Louis that he is home to see Louis on the couch with Keith straddling his lap, kissing him deeply. They obviously didn’t hear him come in or maybe don’t even care at this point. 

“For fuck’s sake,” he says too loudly, causing them both to jump. “It’s bad enough that I have to know this shit is going on in my home, I don’t need to see it where I watch tv,” he says as he walks to his room and slams the door shut. His stomach rolls at the scene that he just witnessed and the realization of what he just said to his roommate and best friend. He can feel the tears start to well in his eyes when he hears a door slam in the apartment. He doesn’t have to look out to see that he is alone. He can feel it in the marrow of his bones. 

 

He doesn’t even bother coming out of his room for the rest of the night, although he barely sleeps. Every sound seems to jolt him awake, thinking it is Louis coming back home. He finally gives up at about eight am and rests his feet on the floor. He looks at his phone to see if Louis has responded to any of the texts or missed calls that he had sent the night before. There isn’t any response. He sighs and walks to the bathroom. He peers into Louis’ room through the opened door, nothing seems to have been disturbed. He must not have come home at all. Harry feels actually sick to his stomach. 

Once he does his business, he picks up the phone again and presses it to his ear. 

“Jesus Christ Harry, it’s Sunday for Christ’s sake,” His sister, Gemma groans into the phone. “What in bloody hell do you want?” 

Harry pauses for a second. He has no idea what he wants. He doesn’t even know why it was Gemma that he called instead of Louis again or one of their friends. He sighs again and rubs a hand over his face. “Can we go out for coffee or something?” He asks her.

“Are you ok?” She asks, voice suddenly soft and concerned. 

“I’m fine, I just...need to get out of this apartment for a few minutes,” he says, looking around for his wallet. He grabs whatever is on the top of his clean clothes hamper and starts throwing things on. 

“Alright, meet me at Tim’s?” She says before Harry pauses. The idea of sitting in public in the state he is in sounds horrific. 

“Is it alright if I just come over?” He asks instead. 

“Oh, alright. Sure,” she replies, clearly very worried at this point. Harry will admit that he is a bit worried about himself as well. 

“See you in a bit,” he says and hangs up as he locks the door behind him.

 

Gemma meets him at the door of her house. She hasn’t bothered getting properly dressed, still sporting a pair of cotton pj shorts covered in pink bunnies and an oversized Metallica tank that is more than likely her husband Michal’s. She pulls him in for a hug, and he lets her, not even pretending that he isn’t having some sort of existential crisis. 

“I sent Michal out for Tim Horton’s,” she says as he pulls up a chair in the kitchen. He just nods and stares at his folded hands. He can feel her watching him, but she doesn’t say anything, and he could kiss her for it. 

“I did something stupid,” he finally says as he watches his knuckles go white. “It feels so stupid to say out loud, but I feel horrible.” He looks at her, and she looks as though she is bracing herself to hear a confession of murder. “I didn’t kill anyone,” he adds and sees the corner of her mouth lift slightly. He also sees her shoulders relax a bit, so God knows what she is thinking. 

“If you came all the way here, you much want to talk about it,” she pushes him on. 

“It’s stupid,” he starts. “I just said something stupid, and it hurt Louis’ feelings, and he hasn’t come home, and he hasn’t called or texted or anything, and I feel horrible, and I wish that I could shove the words back in my mouth but I can’t, and I can’t apologise because he won’t answer his damned phone, and I don’t know where he is at, and he is probably with Keith, and I hate that guy which is what brings me back to the stupid things I said,” he rambles the fastest he has probably ever spoken. He looks at Gemma who looks more confused than she did before he opened his mouth. 

“You said something to hurt Louis’ feelings?” She asks. He nods. 

“And he isn’t speaking to you?” He nods. 

“And this is what you are so cut up about?” She asks. 

“Well, kind of, but it is what I said that is the problem,” Harry replies. 

“Ok.” 

“When Louis moved in one of the first things he ever said to me was that he is gay and to make sure that wouldn’t be a problem,” Harry starts. 

“Yes,” Gemma says. He is pretty sure that he had actually talked to her about how brave he felt Louis was and how he never shied away from who he is. 

“And I have never had a problem with anyone’s sexuality. Never. Not when I was a kid, not as a teen, not now.” 

“Alright,” she says, urging him on.

“But lately…” he sighs. “Lately I have been feeling really….negative about it.” 

“It,” she repeats. He sighs again and shoots her a look. 

“It, that, stuff.” He waves his hand in the air. 

“You have an issue with Louis being gay?” She asks, sounding quite disbelieving.

“No,” Harry replies, feeling that he truly believes it. “But he has had this guy around. When we first lived together, it was just a person here and there. But he met someone, and he has been coming around more and more. And I have been having these thoughts.” 

“Thoughts,” Gemma repeats him again.

“Would you please stop doing that?” He asks. He can feel his temper rising steadily. 

“Would you please be an adult and just say the word sex?” 

“Sex,” He repeats just out of spite. 

“Louis and Keith having sex,” she says and as though he had no control, his face scrunches in distaste. “You don’t like the idea of Louis having sex with Keith.” 

“And I don’t know how to stop it! I just see them together and I want punch a wall!” His fist clenches again. 

“So who is this Keith guy?” Gemma asks as though that is even relevant. 

“I don’t know, some guy. Louis met him at a bar one night when we were out.” 

“Are they dating? I thought Louis wasn’t looking for something.” She frowns as though that is even the problem here. 

“Yeah,” Harry says, feeling sullen. “Guess he changed his mind.” 

“So what’s he like? Is he a dick?” 

“No,” Harry replies, and he kind of feels bad that he isn’t. He might feel better if Keith was an ass. “But I don’t like him, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to be nice to him.” 

“Oh God. What did you say to him?” Gemma shakes her head. 

Harry would never admit this out loud, but he has a tendency to be a bit stroppy when he doesn’t get his way. Louis calls him sassy. Gemma calls him an ass. Harry likes sassy better.

“I may have accidentally made a comment about how often he was at our place one morning when he was doing the walk of shame through my kitchen.”

“So what does this have to do with what you said to him that hurt his feelings?” Gemma asks.

He gives her another dirty look because she isn’t stupid, she can put two and two together. 

“I came home from a rather lousy date last night and walked into the apartment to see them kissing on the couch. I told them that it was bad enough that I had to know it was happening. I didn’t want to see it. “

“So what did he say?” Gemma asks. 

“Nothing. I went to my room and slammed the door. Felt immediately regretful. I truly didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it. But they left before I could apologise, and now I can’t get him to talk to me at all.”

He lays his head on the table and listens to her sigh and lean back in her chair. 

“Oh you oblivious walnut,” she says. He lifts his head to see her shaking her head with her arms crossed over her chest. 

“Excuse me?” He asks. 

“You truly don’t see it?” She snorts. 

“See what?” 

“H, I love you. And I respect your decisions, but please let me just give you a nugget of advice?” She leans in and reaches for one of his hands. 

He nods, wanting her to just fix his life and be done with it. 

“Take away the gay/straight/bi aspect that you think this is about. Take away you being a man, and Louis being a man, and Keith being a man. Take that all out for a second. Take yourself out of it for a moment.” She smiles at him although it looks a bit sympathetic. “I don’t think that you are bothered by the idea of two men being intimate. I think you are bothered by Louis being intimate with someone that isn’t you.” 

She pauses but squeezes his hand tighter as though she is scared that he will run away. 

His first instinct is to deny the idea. “I’m not jealous,” he says out loud, but it doesn’t feel like the truth when he says it out loud. 

“Do you think Louis would have been as hurt by those words if he didn’t feel something too?” She continues. 

Harry stops and thinks about the exchange. He tries to come from an outsider’s perspective.

“You didn’t say anything to Louis last night that I haven’t said in one way or another to any of my old roommates. Some days you don’t want to see people making out on your couch. Why do you think Louis was so hurt by it?” 

“Fuck,” Harry breathes. 

“Fuck,” he says again. “But I’m not…” 

He can’t even say the words out loud, and he doesn’t know why. 

“You don’t have to be anything, Harry. I just want you to take a long hard look inside and figure out what you are really feeling about Louis because I suspect that knot that you are feeling in the pit of your stomach, he’s got one too.” 

Harry reaches for his stomach involuntarily. He does have a knot in his stomach. He looks at Gemma who is still smiling sympathetically. 

“How do you know that I have a knot in my stomach?” He asks just as the front door opens, and Michal walks into the kitchen. 

“I’ve been in love,” she says as she smiles as Michal silently sets paper cups of coffee and a half a dozen muffins on the table between them. He pats Harry’s shoulder, but he doesn’t say a word, just leaving the siblings to their talk. 

Love. 

Fuck, Harry doesn’t know what to do with that. 

“Drink first, think later.” She pushes the cup towards him and he obeys. She smiles a little more genuinely this time, and he finds himself smiling back. 

 

Harry walks home as the September sun starts to beat down on him. It’s just about time for him to go to work, but he can’t bring himself to care. All that he can think about is his sister’s words. Him and Louis. Him and a man. As much as he wants to deny it, the thought of being the one Louis kisses, the thought of being the one that Louis wants to take home has lodged itself in his brain and is running a loop. It doesn’t make sense. None of it makes sense to him. 

He rounds the corner of the hallway on his apartment floor and stops in his tracks. Louis is slumped against their door. His eyes are closed, but Harry can tell that he is awake. He can’t ignore the funny beat of his heart at the sight of him or the hitch in his throat. 

He likes Louis. He has since they met, but he can’t really deny that there is something else there as well, something that has never been there with anyone before. He wants to kick himself for not seeing it earlier, but at the same time he wants it to all just go away. He wants his friend back.

“What are you doing?” He asks. Louis opens his eyes and gives Harry a cold once over. He stands up and stretches his back. 

“Forgot my key.” His voice is clipped, and he doesn’t look at Harry again, just stares at the door waiting for Harry to unlock it.

“Why didn’t you call?” Harry asks. A small scowl forms on Louis’ face. 

“I did,” he mumbles as he pushes through the door. Harry reaches for his pocket and pulls out his phone. There is one missed call. He isn’t sure how he missed it, but it was about the time he started walking home from Gemma’s. He looks up to respond with at least a sorry, but by the time he does, Louis is already slamming the door to his room. He sighs and goes to his own so that he can throw on something clean for work. 

 

It takes approximately three hours for Zayn to kick Harry out of the shop. It’s a slow day anyway, but Harry can barely book an appointment nevermind tattoo skin. He wants to argue because his only real option is to stay or go home, but trying to explain to Zayn why he doesn’t want to go home is not going to happen. The idea of explaining to anyone what he is going through makes his stomach ache. 

So he nods and cleans up his office. He steps into the warm air and feels lost. He starts walking aimlessly, hoping to kill at least a couple of hours before he has to at least apologise to Louis. 

To his dismay, the aimless wandering takes him to the bar that Keith works. And of course because fate is not smiling on him, Keith is staring at him when he walks in. He takes a deep breath and sits at one of the empty stools. 

“I’ll just have a beer please. Alpine,” Harry says. Keith wordlessly opens one for him but doesn’t move on, just leans against his side of the bar and watches Harry take a drink. Harry doesn’t like beer that much, but it seems the right occasion. 

“Rough night?” Keith asks. His tone sounds conversational and a lot less accusing than Harry would have expected. 

“Mph,” Harry replies. 

“You and Louis have it out?” He asks, again with a neutral tone. Harry gives him a look. Keith just looks back. 

“You would know that wouldn’t you?” He says. 

“Would I?” Keith says, this time with more bite. 

“He spent the night with you didn’t he?” Harry accuses. He hates that he sounds accusing. Keith’s eyebrows raise. 

“He did not.” He leans in further, resting his elbows on the bar. “He sent me home as soon as you stormed in with your temper tantrum.” 

Harry can’t help be surprised by that. 

“He left,” he says. 

“Hm.” Keith stands back up fully, seemingly unaffected by the conversation once again. “Guess he had enough of both of us.” 

“What do you mean?” Harry asks. His beer is nearly empty, and he is starting to feel it in his limbs already. Food would probably have been a better idea. 

“I may have called you a dick when you fled to your room.” Keith is nice enough to look apologetic. “Louis told me instantly that it wasn’t going to work between us and asked me to leave. Just like that. Nice night to  _ I never want to see you again _ all within the span of a roommate storming through.” Keith waves his hand, apparently unbothered. “I assumed he was taking sides, but if he isn’t speaking to you either, I’m not sure what he’s thinking.” 

“I can imagine,” Harry says, laying a five on the table. He gets up to leave, not really knowing what to do with this new information. Keith pushes it back towards him. 

“On me this time.” He looks sympathetic, kind of how Gemma looked at him all morning. “You know, I was quite thrown when Louis told me that you were straight. Not that you seem….otherwise, but I guess I just assumed that something went down between you two before I came into the picture.” The look of sympathy is replaced by a Cheshire cat grin. “I mean, everyone loves me.” 

Except me, Harry thinks, but he doesn’t say the words. Just looks at Keith and then the money on the counter and walks out.

 

By the time Harry gets home he is both emotionally and physically exhausted. He has probably walked a few miles by now and the lack of sleep from the night before makes him feel like his nerves are resting on the surface of his skin. One wrong move, and they will all be set off. He takes a moment or two before he opens the door and walks in. He doesn’t even know if Louis is home which is a strange feeling all on it’s own. Harry has barely known a time when he knew Louis and didn’t know his whereabouts. But he sees his shoes by the door, and so he is fairly certain that he is in the apartment somewhere. 

First glance shows that he isn’t in the kitchen or living room. He looks down the hall and sees his door shut tight. Louis almost never closes his bedroom door. His heart sinks at the clear statement that Louis is trying to make. 

Determined though to get this behind them, he walks up to the door and lightly raps on it. He swallows hard, waiting for an acknowledgement. Knowing full well that he might be ignored completely. 

“Yes?” Louis says behind the door, not offering to let Harry enter. His voice is strained, and Harry just wants to reach out for him. 

“Can I come in?” Harry asks through the door. There is a pause before Louis opens the door himself, physically blocking Harry from entering. Another clear message. 

“What do you need?” Louis asks. Polite standoffish Louis is worse than angry Louis. 

“I want to apologise,” Harry says, frowning. He sees Louis flinch slightly, but he maintains his stony look. 

“No need,” he says and goes to close the door again. Harry brings his arm out to stop him which brings out a reaction in Louis that makes Harry almost regret it. 

“Of course there is a need, Louis. Obviously you are pissed off. I am sorry. I was completely wrong. A dickhead in the highest sense of the word. You and Keith did not deserve that!” He lets his desperation show. 

“You know I had to deal with you parading Jenna in and out of here when we first moved in. It wasn’t always a picnic for me. Yet I have someone that I actually like over for a movie, and you walk in like an angry bear. Why?” Louis is staring at him now. His blue eyes blazing holes right through Harry. 

“I don’t know!” I’m sorry!” Harry replies. “I had a shit night, and I was already in a mood, and then….” He can’t say the words out loud. He can’t say what seeing Keith kissing Louis made him feel. He doesn’t even know if he can say them to himself nevermind out loud. 

“Then you decided to take it out on me?” Louis’ voice seems to have calmed down. Less mad now and seemingly just sad. Defeated. 

“I don’t know what came over me,” Harry says, feeling sullen. The words seem to only put more pain in Louis eyes. His hand comes up to rest on his chest. 

“It doesn’t matter, Harry. It’s done.” He smiles, but it’s only a half smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “We both let our tempers get the best of us, and now we know, right?” 

He puts a hand on Harry’s arm, and Harry feels like he is being burned by the touch. He almost wants to flinch away from it. It’s too much. 

“Now we know,” he repeats, and by some silent agreement, they both walk away.

 

They really don’t talk about it again. Louis smiles when they are in the same room and laughs at Harry’s stupid jokes and even flirts a little like he used to, but he never really opens up. Harry can feel the divide between them almost as if they were standing on opposite ends of the Grand Canyon. He longs to reach out and close that gap, but he isn’t ready. He isn’t  _ sure. _

How can he not be sure? He was sure that he was attracted to girls since he was a kid and there was that new girl, Grace, in his class. How can he be so...confused? He can’t talk to Louis about how he feels about him until he knows. He can’t tell someone something when he doesn’t even have the words to express it himself. 

So they move along, side by side, but wedged apart. Harry doesn’t wince when he sees strange shoes at the door, and Louis makes sure that Harry never has a face to put to those shoes. It’s ok...on the outside. Harry feels like he is screaming on the inside.

 

One day, Harry is sitting on the couch. It’s a Wednesday afternoon in October. He is pretty zoned out, just letting Chopped fill his ears and eyes as he is about to drift off into an afternoon nap. He is jolted awake by the door opening, and Louis walking in. He sets his keys on the counter and his suit jacket over the back of a chair as he walks to the fridge. He takes the jug of orange juice and almost chokes as he spot Harry peering at him over the couch. 

“Fuck me, Harry, what are you doing?” He puts the juice down and covers his heart with his hand. Harry smirks. 

“You told me that you would never drink from the jug. I feel betrayed.” Harry smiles to let Louis know that he is teasing and turns back around to watch his show. 

“Seriously though, what are you doing? You are never home this time of day in the middle of the week.” Louis collapses beside him and undoes the top button of his shirt. Harry watches his throat move once it is released from the restraint. It’s as mesmerizing as the tv.  Harry has always been fascinated by Louis in a suit. It seems to directly contrast with Louis as a person. He realises now that that fascination is actually attraction, and Louis is attractive. 

“We aren’t keeping our walk in hours as long as we do in the summer. I already told you this. It will be slow until January,” Harry says, trying to keep eye contact with Louis and not rake his eyes up and down his body. 

Louis frowns in sympathy. “Yeah, I remember.” 

“It’s fine, Lou. We have a budget and projected sales and all that fun stuff. We aren’t going under or anything.” He taps Louis’ thigh with his fist. Just a friendly fist bump to the thigh. It’s fine. It’s a thing he would do with Zayn. He finds himself saying that a lot lately. 

“I know that. I just hate to think of you sitting around alone and sad in the middle of the day.” Louis looks at the tv conspicuously and then back to Harry, who is feeling very casual in his Rolling Stones t shirt, and a pair of oversized gray sweats. Louis reaches up and tugs on the green toque on his head and smiles. “You look like you’re ready to hibernate.” 

“I’m fine. I am not sad.” Harry smiles back, ducking his head away from Louis’ hand. Pretending that he doesn’t want his hair touched.  _ Pretending   _ “I am enjoying some downtime. I know that you don’t know the meaning of the word.” He gives Louis’ tie a gentle nudge, and Louis swats his hand away. So careful. Everything is careful. 

“Alright, alright. We weren’t talking about me,” Louis says, standing back up. He rarely spends more than half an hour in his work clothes once he gets home. Harry is surprised that he has lasted his long. He walks back towards his room and when he hears the door to the bathroom finally shut he breathes again. 

 

“You know,” Louis says suddenly. They are sitting in the living room. Harry on the couch, and Louis in his favourite armchair. They are both still picking at bowls of pasta that Harry had made for them and watching whatever comes on the history channel. “Now that you aren’t as busy at the shop, I should come in.” 

“For a tattoo?” Harry says and feels like his voice is one syllable from cracking. 

“No, to get my taxes done.” Louis rolls his eyes. “Yes, a tattoo. I told you that I would get one from you.” 

Harry feels like the sentence is a loaded one. Is Louis implying that things are the same as they were before? That Harry can assume that everything they said before can be carried over to now? Does Louis even have a “before” and “after” point for them? Harry is certain that he does. 

“Yeah, of course. Anytime. So do you want me or-” 

“I want you, Harry.” Louis sounds annoyed by Harry’s constant questioning. Harry is annoyed at himself for constantly second guessing. But when he looks at Louis to apologise, Louis doesn’t look annoyed. More frustrated. He just nods and smiles, feeling way in over his head.

“Alright.” He burrows farther into the couch. 

“Harry--” Louis says. Harry looks up to see Louis opening and closing his mouth. On the verge of saying something before stopping himself. Finally he sighs and slumps back into his chair. “It’ll be fun. I can’t wait,” he finally says. The words sound fine, but the way he says them sounds less than convincing. 

Harry smiles anyway. The fakest of fake smiles. 

“I can’t wait either,” he says before they return to their coveted silence.

 

Harry checks and rechecks his guns. He gently runs a hand over the bottles of ink that he has artfully displayed on his wall. He looks at the clock for the tenth time in as many minutes. Louis is late for his tattoo. 

It’s fine. It’s just a few minutes. Louis is always a little bit late for everything. But what if he isn’t late at all? What if he just decided not to show up? What if he decided that he couldn’t do this anymore? This friendship that they have been playing at for the last couple of months. 

There is a light rap on the door. Harry startles but makes the couple of long steps to open it. He expects to see Louis’ apologetic face on the other side, but instead is disappointed to see Zayn’s instead. 

“We have a walk in, do you want him?” He asks. 

“No, I have an appointment,” Harry says. Zayn just frowns a bit and looks around his room. 

“You don’t have them on the books,” he says. No, he doesn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to write Louis’ name down. It felt too real. Too intimate of a thing to have everyone able to just witness. 

“Yeah, I know...last minute,” he lies. Zayn knows when he lies. They have been friends for a long time, but he doesn’t call him out. Not out loud anyway. His eyes tell a different story. 

“Alright,” he says and walks back to the reception area. Harry lets go of a breath that he has been holding and resumes his office pacing.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Louis says over the phone. It’s been twenty minutes of pacing so far, and when his phone rang, his stomach just about dropped to the concrete below the floor. 

“Are you ok?” Harry asks first. His thoughts of Louis changing his mind turned to thoughts of something happening to him really quickly. 

“I’m fine. Sorry. I just didn’t want to have to come back into work after the appointment, and I had more shit on my desk than I thought. I didn’t even realise what time it was until I was out the door.” He sounds like he is out of breath. Is he running? “I feel so bad. I know your time is precious. I can pay-”

“It’s fine, Louis. Seriously. I was worried that something happened. I don’t care about the money.” The money had never once crossed his mind. He is not going to make Louis pay for this tattoo. He can’t believe that Louis would even think that. 

“We can rebook if you want,” Louis continues. 

“No, it’s fine. Zayn is leaving in a few minutes. I don’t have anyone else. Just take your time, I will be waiting when you get here.” He sounds more calm, more put together than he feels. Louis is fine, and he is coming, and it’s happening. He wants to break something. 

“Ok.” Louis sounds hesitant. “Yeah, ok. I shouldn’t be more than 10 minutes,” he finally says. 

“I will be here.” 

 

Twenty minutes later, Louis walks into the doors of the shop. His cheeks are flushed, and he has a guilty smile on his face. Harry is laying on a couch in the reception waiting for him. 

“I was starting to think you weren’t coming.” Harry smiles. They both know it’s not actually a joke.

“I was starting to think that fate had different plans for me.” Louis smiles back. 

“Are you ready?” Harry asks. Louis nods and steps farther into the room. Harry reaches around him and locks the door. 

“What?” Louis looks at him, and Harry realises how close they are. He pauses, feeling the heat of Louis’ skin next to his. 

“I’m closing the shop. No one can disturb us,” he says. His voice is low and broken. He turns off the main lights and the outside sign from a switch on the wall and waits for Louis to walk ahead of him into his office. 

He leaves the door open since they are the only ones there anyway, and when he turns his attention to Louis, he is standing in the middle of the room watching him. They stay that way for a tick too long making it more awkward than tense when finally Harry remembers where they are. 

“Right, so do you know what you want?” He asks, trying to snap his brain into work mode. He feels a weird sense of sadness that he doesn’t already know. Why haven’t they talked about this before today? He knows the answer to that question. He has been avoiding the idea like the plague. 

“I think so. I have a few pictures.” Louis pulls his phone out and scrolls a bit before he hands it to Harry. There is a picture of a message in a bottle. It is very basic and in black ink. “Scroll to the right, there are a couple more,” Louis says after a moment. 

Harry does and sees a treasure chest. It is a little more detailed and ornate than the bottle, but it lacks personality somehow. The last is just a line. Given a chance. He looks up at Louis who hasn’t moved at all. 

“I like them,” he says. “Do you want them all incorporated, or just one, or…” 

“I want you to choose,” Louis says. He sounds resolute. A decision he has made before showing up here. Harry pauses, looking down at the phone again. 

“Are you sure?” He asks 

“Yeah. I want to have a bit of you on me. I want it to be yours. So….do what you want. I trust you,” Louis says. 

“Ok….um yeah.” Harry feels the air slowly syphoning from his body. He wants to gasp for breath. “Where...um...where do you want it?” He asks. 

Louis touches his left hip. 

“Somewhere here,” he says, not taking his eyes off Harry. Harry just nods, looking at the soft curve of Louis’ hip under his hand. He bites his lip thinking of Louis’ bare skin under the navy blue dress shirt he is wearing. 

“Ok,” he says nodding. “I am going to sketch this up. Make yourself comfortable. I shouldn’t be more than a few minutes. 

 

He comes back ten minutes later to Louis sitting on the table scrolling through his phone. He looks relaxed, if Harry didn’t notice the way his leg was twitching to some invisible rhythm. He clears his throat to let Louis know he is back. 

“Ready?” Harry asks. Louis nods and hops off the table. He starts to unbutton his shirt while Harry pulls out all of the supplies he needs. 

“Yeah,” he says and hops onto the table. Harry pulls up a stool as Louis lays flat on his back and pulls his black dress pants down a bit, revealing a patch of bare skin. He puts his hands on the sides of the table and lays silent.

Harry places the stencil over Louis’ hip bone and smooths it out before he peels it off, revealing the blue outline. “You’re sure you don’t want to approve this first?” He asks before he turns his gun on. Louis just shakes his head. 

“I trust you,” he says

“You keep saying that,” Harry replies but smiles. 

“You wouldn’t do anything to hurt me,” Louis continues. 

Harry swallows heavily. They aren’t talking about the fucking tattoo anymore.

“Hate to break it to you, bud, but this isn’t going to be a picnic in the park.” He tries to retain a level of calm in his voice. If his hands start to shake, they are all fucked. 

“You know what I mean,” Louis scolds him. He huffs out a breath. 

“I know,” he mumbles. He turns on the gun and hesitates only for a minute before he puts it to Louis skin. He flinches slightly and grips the side of the table. Harry feels an urge to comfort him. He knows Louis has done this before. The proof is written all over his body. He will be fine. 

“It isn’t a big one,” Harry says, focusing on his lines. “Shouldn’t be long.” 

“Yeah,” Louis breathes. His voice sounds strained and broken. 

“You alright?” He mumbles, glancing up at Louis’ face. 

“I’m fine, Harry,” Louis says, not sounding at all fine. He wipes what he has so far, and the noise that Louis makes is one that sounds…a little too fine.

“Fuck,” he groans and drops his gun on the table. He pushes away from Louis and walks to the front of the office, as far away as he can get without leaving the actual room. 

When he looks back at Louis, he has his arms over his face. Harry can feel his heart break a little. 

“Louis,” he says. It sounds like a plea. Louis doesn’t respond, just wipes his eyes and lowers his hands again. He keeps his eyes closed, but he lays still on the table. Harry walks towards him again and sits down. 

“Lou,” he repeats. Louis just shakes his head. 

“Just finish it ok?” He says. His voice sounds thick and on the edge of breaking. 

“I’m not finishing it until you look at me,” Harry replies. Louis’ eyebrows knot in frustration, but he opens his eyes and looks at Harry anyway. 

“I would never hurt you on purpose,” Harry says. 

Louis scoffs, and sniffs away unshed tears. “I know that.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Harry continues. “But I don’t know what I am doing.” 

Louis looks back at him. The frustration is still there but softer. 

“I’m not asking you for anything,” he says.

“I know,” Harry says. He wonders if he should leave it at that. 

He wonders how much longer their friendship will last if they keep avoiding what is between them. He swallows and takes a deep breath before he takes Louis hand. Louis lets it go easily, and Harry strokes his palm with his fingertips. 

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” he repeats, almost to himself. Suddenly, Louis sits up, keeping his hand in Harry’s He looks down at Harry from the table, and it makes Harry feel vulnerable and safe all at the same time. The intense look that Louis is giving him feels like too much, but he can’t bring himself to look away. 

“You don’t have to,” Louis says. He wants to laugh because whatever Louis is telling him he doesn’t have to, he is pretty sure that he does. He doesn’t think that he can last another minute without it.

Instead of answering, he stands up, making himself a bit taller than the sitting Louis again.  With only a second of hesitation, he takes Louis’ face in his hands. Louis doesn’t flinch away or pull back. So he puts his lips to Louis’ lips, and as though they will both break, he kisses him. 

It’s barely more than a touch of the lips before Harry pulls away. Louis is still looking at him in stunned silence. After a second Harry frowns, too. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He takes a step back, but Louis’ hands follow him, entwining his hands around Harry’s neck. He pulls him in and kisses him thoroughly. Harry can feel his want for Louis from the pit of his stomach outwards. A desire that he couldn’t picture, couldn’t imagine for the weeks that he has been thinking about it. He brings his hands up to encompass Louis’ waist and only pulls away when Louis flinches. 

“Shit Louis. I didn’t mean...I didn’t want....” He looks down at Louis’ half finished tattoo. “This is not how I pictured this going,” he finally says. 

“I could imagine,” Louis replies. He still looks uncomfortable, like he is ready to jump out of his skin. “Could you finish the tattoo though? Before I go?” He lays back down, not making eye contact with Harry. 

“Louis,” Harry says with a bit more authority this time. “Jesus, that isn’t what I meant.”  He runs his gloved hand through his hair. “I want you. I want to be with you. God, Louis, you are all I can think about.” He sits down again and rests his head on Louis thigh. He can feel Louis’ gasp for air at the contact. “Please, Lou. I am scared, and I don’t know what to do, but I know that I want you.” 

“Why are you scared?” Louis asks. It’s not accusing, just a question.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Harry starts. It’s his biggest fear. “I have never felt this way before.” He sighs and looks up. “I have no idea who I am anymore.” 

Louis sits up once again and cradles Harry between his knees. He strokes Harry’s hair. 

“You aren’t going to lose me,” Louis finally says. 

“I’m scared that I am going to hurt you,” he replies. Louis just nods. 

“We can take it slow,” he says, smiling for the first time since he walked into the shop. “We can talk about it.” 

“Yeah?” Harry asks, hopeful. 

“Of course. I’m crazy about you, Harry. I have been head over heels since the day we met. I know that this is new to you, but loving you is about the only thing I know about myself right now.” 

Harry chokes back a sob at they kiss again. This time almost with a familiarity. 

“Let’s get this finished so we can get home?” Harry says, and Louis lies down for a third time to let Harry finish his work. 

 

Later that night they are both sprawled out on a piece of furniture. Louis took the couch because sitting is uncomfortable for him where the tattoo is. So he is stretched the length of it wearing nothing but a pair of sweats that are hanging low on his hip, exposing the piece that is still wrapped up. 

That tattoo. Harry had never been so nervous revealing his work. For one, Louis had no idea what to expect. He refused to look at it at all until Harry was completely finished. When he finally stood up, they both stared at it through the floor length mirror on the wall. 

He chose a bottle with a scroll inside. On the forefront of the paper are the words  _ Given a Chance  _ in Harry's handwriting. But if you look at it closely, really closely, you can see a reflection of the words  _ we could be enough. _ Louis spotted it immediately and reached for Harry wrist. It was all the validation Harry needed that he did it right.

But now, all he can do is stare at a white patch over the tattoo and fight with his brain that is just screaming  _ mine _ over and over again. He wants to see it. He wants to touch Louis’ skin. Now that he has tasted Louis, felt him go pliant under his lips, he feels like he is being deprived and punished, sitting on a cold dark island. He might as well be a world away.

“It's not nice to ogle boys as much as it's not nice to ogle girls,” Louis says, not taking his eyes off the tv. 

“I don't want to ogle boys. I want to ogle you,” Harry replies, voice stronger than his confidence feels. This gets Louis’ attention.

“I am a boy, H,” he says. It's not a flippant statement. Harry knows what he is getting at.

“I know that. But you are the only boy I want to look at.” 

“I'm the only boy you have ever wanted to ogle,” Louis says although his lips turn up slightly. 

“That doesn't make my feelings invalid,” Harry says.

“I know it doesn't. That's not what I'm saying.”

“I know,” Harry repeats Louis. “It's not like I haven't thought about it. It's all I've thought about. You are all I've thought about.” Harry pleads, and Louis sits up slightly, favouring his left hip. 

“Harry, I don't doubt you. I know how you feel about me. I have probably known longer than you have. I see the way you look at me.” Louis frowns, and his eyes cloud for a moment. “It's not me that I doubt. It's everything else. And no matter how much you think about it, you've never lived it.” Harry opens his mouth to protest, but Louis stops him. “I know you think you know, but you don't. If you decide to go through with this, you could lose friends. You don't know what your family will say.” He sighs, sounding sad. “How will you feel if you lose a client because he finds out that you have a boyfriend?” 

“Then they’re not worth it,” Harry says with conviction. “Louis. You’re worth it.” 

“You said that you didn't know who you were anymore,” Louis continues. He sounds small and unsure. 

That effectively shuts Harry up. He slumps back in his chair. “I feel like my life has been turned upside down,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down his face. “But there is one thing I'm sure of.” He looks at Louis again who is resting back on the couch again. “I don't need anything if I have what i felt when we kissed.” 

“Harry,” Louis breathes.

“And I will do anything to prove that to you.” 

“You don't have to,” Louis says, biting his bottom lip.

“I want to. I never want to stop proving to you that I am in this. 100%.” He is perching on the edge of his chair. Louis just nods. Harry can see that he is on the verge of tears. “Okay?” he asks, feeling bold. 

“Okay,” Louis says, sounding broken. 

“Can I come and lay with you? On the couch?” He asks. Louis huffs out a wet breath but nods and makes room for Harry behind him. Harry climbs in, careful with Louis hip, and tucks Louis’ head into his shoulder. He wraps his arm over Louis’ chest and feeling bold, kisses the top of his head. “Okay?” He asks once more, feeling Louis meld into him. 

“I'm okay,” Louis replies causing Harry to smile.

 

They take it slow. So, so fucking slow. They start by telling Gemma. She is, of course, the easiest person to talk to since she already knew. She was very supportive of them. Everyone cried, including Michal. They told their friend group together. Just the three boys. Liam, Niall and Zayn. Again, it was fine. They were surprised, but at the same time, not at all. Finally, they told their parents. Louis’ were fine, of course. Harry absolutely adored his mom, and he was pretty sure that the feeling was mutual. His mother was caught off guard, but she hugged him and told him that she was proud of them both. He couldn’t have asked for a better conversation. He owes a lot of it to Louis for being by his side. 

And yeah, he did lose a client. And older man who had been in the shop a few times walked in one day as Louis was giving Harry a quick peck on the lips goodbye. He stopped in his tracks and walked right back out again. Harry hasn’t seen him since and honestly, good riddance. 

But Harry thinks he might not survive the relationship itself because he is quite sure that Louis himself is actually addictive. He can’t keep his hands off him. Louis is a good sport mostly, but he has to remind Harry on a daily basis sometimes that they are taking it slow. Harry wants to cry. In the weeks since the day at the tattoo parlour, all they have done is kiss, and while it’s great, kissing Louis is the best kiss in the world, it is becoming increasingly harder not to touch more, feel more. Think more. 

One night they are laying on the couch. As it usually does, ten minutes in Harry is kissing Louis’ jaw and neck. He breathes him in and gets as close to Louis’ space as he can. His brain screams more, more, more. Suddenly Louis turns and straddles Harry’s lap. He kisses Harry deeply before pulling away and gasping for breath. 

“You are driving me crazy,” he says, giving Harry a dirty look. 

“Sorry.” Harry smiles, not feeling sorry at all. 

“You’ve never done anything with a guy before,” Louis tells him. Harry raises a brow at him.

“Yes, I think we have established that.” He leans in to kiss Louis again. Louis stops him with a finger to Harry’s lips. 

“Are you sure you even want it?” He asks. He’s getting a bit tired of Louis treating him like a rookie. He’s almost 30. 

“I have seen a dick before. I am pretty sure I can piece together how it would go,” Harry sasses him. It makes Louis smile. 

“I’m serious. We haven’t talked about it.” Louis leans in and awards him with a chaste kiss on the lips. He doesn’t know what to call the noise he makes, but it sounds an awful lot like a growl. 

“I am tired of talking. I want to touch you. I want to make you feel good,” he pleads. The words seem to work at least somewhat because Louis rests his head against Harry’s forehead, and moans. 

“I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” he says, the resolve in his voice as his fingers caress bare skin. Harry decides to take matters into his own hands, literally, and puts his hand on Louis’ thigh, letting his thumb find the outline of Louis’ semi hard erection. Louis moans louder at that, enticing Harry to put on a little more pressure. He starts rubbing him in little motions up and down until Louis starts to grind into the touch. 

“Wanna make you feel good Lou. Please,” he breathes. 

“Fuck,” Louis gasps. “Want you too.” 

“Tell me what to do, I will do it,” Harry says, fighting from bucking his own hips looking for friction. He doesn’t know if he could last if he did. 

“My room, come on,” Louis says, and he is jumping off Harry and grabbing his hand. Louis looks down to openly admire the full erection that is straining against Louis’ trackies. Louis pulls them towards his bedroom, and Harry starts to kiss him as soon as they get there. He reaches around and grabs Louis’ ass with both hands, pulling him in close. He can feel Louis’ dick rubbing against his own growing erection, and it makes sparks go off behind his eyelids. 

He pulls away, stepping back enough to see Louis fully. “I want to see you. All of you,” he says. Louis just stands there for a second, mouth agape before he pulls off his t shirt, then his pants. Harry stares from the top of his head to the tattoos on his ankles, Louis is absolutely gorgeous. 

“You’re such a creeper,” Louis says, meaning to sound teasing. Harry looks up at Louis’ face again, and sees the uncertainty in his eyes. He shakes his head and kisses him again, letting his fingers caress a trail down to the deep curve under Louis’ ass and then back up, letting them rest on Louis’ hips. He moves his mouth from Louis’ neck to his shoulder and down his chest 

“Bed,” Harry says, guiding Louis backwards to his bed. Louis lays back, resting on his elbows. Harry can’t take his eyes off him while he strips off his own clothes. He climbs on top of Louis and sinks into his hot touch. “Tell me what to do,” he asks again. 

“We could just get each other off….” Louis gasps as their cocks rut against each other. “With our hands,” he pants. Harry shakes his head. 

“I want to give you more than that,” he says. “I want to make you feel good. Please, Lou, tell me what you want.” He runs his fingers through Louis’ hair, not allowing him to look away from Harry’s gaze. 

“Fuck Harry, I want everything with you. I just don’t know…” He shakes his head. Harry watches him for a moment. 

“If this isn’t ok, please tell me,” he finally says, and before Louis can protest, he moves down lown on the bed. 

“Harry…” Louis says but his words are cut off by Harry taking Louis into his mouth. It’s not unfamiliar. He has tasted himself on others before, but it’s so different because this is Louis. He lets his tongue move up and down a few times before he tries to take him further. Louis moans loudly. He concentrates on the sensitive tip as opposed to trying to take more of him and lets his lips close around his head. When he sucks lightly, Louis swears out loud. “Just like that baby, yes,” he says, encouraging Harry to continue. Harry does, bringing a hand down and covering the rest of Louis with it. He’s sloppy and uncoordinated, but Louis doesn’t seem to care. He lays back and threads his fingers through Harry’s hair, moaning and praising him continuously. 

It doesn’t take long to tire from the position though. His jaw starts to ache from it, and when he pops off with a gasp, Louis pulls him up to lay beside him again. “God that felt good,” Louis tells him. He is still rutting against Harry’s side, and Harry is painfully hard still. 

“I didn’t get you off,” he sulks a little. 

“Still gonna get me off,” Louis says, reaching for the side of his bed. He grabs a bottle of lube. “Lay on your side,” Louis orders him. Harry does it, and Louis rolls on his as well. They are laying face to face, and suddenly the haze of lust turns to something else. Harry can’t take his eyes off of Louis’. “Give me your hand,” Louis instructs. Harry holds out his hand, and Louis pours lube into it. “Now hold us both at the same time,” he says finally, almost looking shy as he says it. Harry reaches down and takes their hard dicks into one hand. He wraps his fingers around them and starts moving up and down. The heat of Louis’ cock mixed with the slide of the lube creates a want to orgasm almost immediately. 

“Fuck, I’m not gonna last Lou.” He squeezes his eyes shut trying not to let go immediately. 

“That’s good because I’m close. Just do what feels good,” Louis pants into Harry’s mouth. Harry kisses him and lets go. His orgasm rips through him so hard that his entire body contracts. He thrusts through it and feels Louis do the same thing. Harry clings to him desperately until they both calm down and sink into one another. Harry clings to Louis like a lifeline. 

“God, you are just fucking perfect.” Harry wraps himself around Louis like an octopus. Louis chuckles quietly. 

“I am not,” he says. “What did you think? Was it too much?” 

“No. I told you. I want you. You are good and perfect and gorgeous, and if you give me about twenty minutes and maybe a glass of water, I can do it all over again.” He grins so wide it starts to hurt his cheeks when he sees Louis preen under the complement. 

“You’re amazing,” he replies. “This was amazing. But we have time for more.”

“More,” Harry groans, not knowing if twenty minutes is necessary. 

“Time.” Louis laughs, swatting his hand away from creeping down his stomach. 

“But I want everything,” Harry whines, nuzzling into Louis’ neck. “I love you.” 

“I do, too,” he says. “You are my everything.” 

They kiss again until they both drift off, quickly fading. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos or a comment if you liked it! [Here's the link to the fic post](https://taggiecb.tumblr.com/post/172279387217/saw-it-in-your-eyes-by-taggiecb-15k-e-harry) if you'd like to reblog it!


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